Following are excerpts from a write-up I chanced across (with my few comments in italics). Might serve as a diversionary lead-in to the World Cup. Enjoy

The Ignorant American's Guide to the World Cup

By Larry Dobrow
Special to CBS SportsLine.com

What is this "World Cup" of which you speak? Only the biggest sporting event in the free world (and the unfree world, for that matter). In 2002, the total television audience for the tourney was something like 29 billion, with more than 1.1 billion tuning in for Brazil's victory over Germany in the finale. This is big, dude. Bigger than the Super Bowl. Bigger than the Beatles. Bigger than Brando's undergarments.

How does the World Cup work? Are end-of-game, tie-breaker shootouts involved? Because those are very easy to understand. Following round-robin play among the four teams in each group, two advance into the single-elimination "knockout" round. Draws (that's "ties" to you) are A-OK in the first round; after that, we go to extra time ("overtime") and then penalty shootouts ("penalty shootouts").

Tiebreakers for advancement into the knockout round are, in order: goal differential (goals scored minus goals allowed), total goals, head-to-head results and drawing of straws. If somehow we get down to the latter and jolly ole England gets screwed, their fans will make martyrdom-inclined Red Sox devotees appear positively well-adjusted by comparison.

Who's playing? Thirty-two countries, divvied up into eight groups. You've got a nice mix of established powers (Brazil, Italy, Argentina) and newbies (Serbia & Montenegro, Togo, Angola). For the quick-to-judgment morons among us, the tournament offers a trio of convenient villains (Iran, France, Germany) and one soaring, majestic bald eagle of a good guy in the form of the U.S. of A, coached with Parcells-ian menace by Bruce Arena.

Wait a second … we play soccer in this country? That's crazy talk! We sure do -- and apparently, we're getting slightly better at it. The U.S. team heads into the tourney with a semi-deserved top 10 world ranking and a healthy sense of self bolstered by a quarterfinal World Cup run in 2002. Top players include forward Landon Donovan (a scorer with the maddest of mad skillz, yo), midfielder DaMarcus Beasley (quick and puny, in all the best ways) and physical defender Oguchi Onyewu, who hits like a free safety and runs like a puma.

One small problem: the U.S. finds itself in the "group of death" with the Czech Republic, Italy and Ghana. Expect to hear many a rejoinder of, "Oh yeah? Well, they don't have cheeseburgers, muscle cars and Scarlett Friggin' Johansson!" when the US fails to make it past the first round.

(US' No. 5 ranking this World Cup week owes to hard work, of course, eased by economic comfort. Serious camping and grooming, and plenty of matches resulted in highly contested spots being filled by the best available - born in the USA or otherwise.

Saying Onyewu "hits like a free safety" is not a compliment in soccer (unlike American football). Ability to win the ball with next to no physical contact is what elevates the great player over others.)

Will I get the chance to chant "U-S-A! U-S-A!" and generally give patriotism a bad name? Sure! Antisocial behavior is as much a part of international soccer as is snooty disdain for anything red, white and blue. While one of the aforementioned funny-accent people told me that the English soccer hooligan is but a "mythical evil creature," you can expect to see more than a few dentally challenged wackjobs cavorting in post-game riot footage. Others who get high marks for low behavior include the Dutch ("mean and clever") and the Italians ("they add an almost neo-fascist element").

What are some of the rules that I'm totally not going to understand? You'll almost certainly have no idea what's flying with offside (basically, somebody's gotta be in front of the player receiving the ball). (Some active players are clueless on this issue too.) You'll also be quite confused about the whole yellow/red card thing (you get a yellow card for the first unpermissioned game of footsie or a comparable offense, then a red for the second; the team whose player gets a red card plays one man short for the rest of the game). I'd say something here about injury time, in which the game clock gets extended indefinitely, but I haven't been able to find a single coherent explanation of its mechanics.

(Not the worst thing you could do...one American TV commentator actually started to count down the seconds at the end of a US game in the last World Cup!)

What are the terms that are going to make me furrow my brow in a sad attempt to comprehend that which is beyond my intellectual means? Football is soccer. American football is football. Boots are sneakers (sneakers!? I think they call ‘em cleats around here). Nil equals zero. A pitch is a field. A good side is a good lineup/rotation. Friendlies are games, often international, between two teams that aren't in the same league.

What are the things I might say that will expose my distinctly American ignorance to anybody who knows what he's talking about? ...be forewarned: yelling "GOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!" and running around the room with your arms flapping goofily will get you stabbed -- justifiably, I might add.

(Definitely do not yell “TOUCHDOWN!” or "HOME RUN!" when a goal is scored). Happy viewing!